Article summary
Building connections that lead to successful relationships – both inside or outside of business – require a focused effort to meet others where they are. Without a strong relationship, navigating obstacles and aligning on goals is exponentially more difficult. A key tool for achieving this is mindfulness – the deliberate choice to bring your focus to the present moment and situation, rather than worrying about the future or regretting the past or running on autopilot.
We all have automatic, instinctual responses to conflict or friction. We’ve all seen those well-worn repeated conversation where each person is reacting back and forth, tracing the same old repeated steps. We all find ourselves reacting the same way to that thing that our friend or coworker always does that gets under our skin. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Step One: Be Aware.
Think about the last time you were in a situation like that. What did it feel like? Were you feeling defensive, frustrated, annoyed? Can you believe they said that thing AGAIN? Live in that moment for a moment – that first instant that immediately sparks a reaction. What does it feel like? Is your breathing speeding up, or your pulse racing? Is your stomach acidic, or your face tight? Really get to know it. That feeling is your new marker, or key, or trigger.
Step Two: Wait a Moment.
Noticing that moment when it happens is the key to getting your foot into the door. As soon as you notice that feeling, STOP, take a breath, and observe. What is really important about what is going on? What was going on in their mind when they said that? What does your body feel like? Take another breath. The key is to simply and deliberately wait a moment. The briefest second of deliberate thought makes all of the difference in the world. As soon as you can do that, you are free. You no longer are just a bundle of tribal reactions rolling under its own momentum, and instead you are a person that can choose.
Step Three: Make a Choice.
Now that you have let the immediate reactionary response pass, you have an opportunity to make a connection. Choose a response that fits rather than letting our knee-jerk autopilot make things worse. Instead of that habitual defense that always puts you both into a tailspin, what is the best way forward? What is actually important right now, in that moment? It’s probably not defending your ego. You can choose either to tactfully handle the situation, or remove yourself from it calmly and politely.
Make the Skill Your Own.
Building this skill is not a fast process. Every day, practice simply noticing what you feel. Did you respond that same old way again? Do you feel like you’ve done this before? Do you notice when your breathing changed and your face warmed? You will find that simply being aware of those moments is almost the entirety of the solution. As soon as you are thinking rather than reacting, you suddenly will find yourself in the driver’s seat, making choices, instead of being carried along for the ride.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose that response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
– Viktor Frankl
Inspired by a talk I recently heard by Peter Weng, Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute.