Article summary
I’m a really good problem solver, engineer, and programmer. I’m personable and easy to work with. I can interface with clients and teams, so I was promoted. Eventually, though, I just assumed that the Peter principle had caught up with me. I felt completely incompetent.
I’d spent years struggling with being scatterbrained and having trouble finishing tasks other people seemed to find easy. I was ashamed of that. People saw the work I did well and the promotions, but they couldn’t see how much I was struggling underneath. The organization that came with those new roles, and the masking it took to keep up, exhausted me. I couldn’t admit where I struggled, and I didn’t want to. I kept telling myself I needed to work harder. That had worked in high school, college, and every other job. I was burned out, and that plan wasn’t working anymore.
I was on LinkedIn looking for a new job, panicking that maybe I was done working in software altogether. Maybe I just couldn’t cut it. Then I saw a connection’s post about ADHD. The entire post resonated with me, but particularly the shame. Seeing someone else name it helped. In honor of ADHD Awareness Month, I want to pay that forward by sharing some of my story.
So. Much. Shame.
Realizing I might have a diagnosable condition gave me more things to feel ashamed of. Doesn’t everyone have this trendy condition? Isn’t it just a copout for not trying hard enough? Even after admitting it to myself, saying it out loud was tough. It’s right there in the name: Deficit & Disorder. Translation: you’re lacking and you’re broken. I was even ashamed of needing medication that I’d mostly associated with people abusing it to finish a term paper or stay up late partying.
“The single most debilitating part of having ADHD is the shame.”
– Dr. Edward Hallowell
The first morning I tried medication, I met a friend for coffee. Within the first ten minutes, I genuinely felt like crying. I was listening and paying attention. The coffee shop around me was so much quieter. I noticed the shirt my friend was wearing. I was engaged and even asked… follow-up questions?! Is this what it’s like for others? It felt like a cheat code.
One thing that always made me reject the idea that I had ADHD was the word “hyperactivity.” It made me picture a kid who couldn’t sit still, and that’s not me. I can keep my body still, but not my mind. A conversation can send me off on side quests while I strain to force myself to pay attention. That makes me tired and overwhelmed until all I can be is still. At coffee that morning, despite taking a stimulant, I wasn’t stimulated. I was calm. More calm than I’d been in a long time. I immediately wished I’d done this sooner.
A Work In Progress
That coffee visit was about two years ago. It felt like night and day, but it hasn’t felt that way every day since. For me, there was a honeymoon period. I’ve had to try a couple of different medications and doses. Medication isn’t a magic pill. It helps me focus, but…
I can’t always choose what gets that focus. I’m still disorganized, and I still forget things. I’ve become better at accepting where I struggle and focusing on the things I’m very good at. Some things I tried to brute-force with sheer willpower might never be strengths for me. I need coping mechanisms for those things, and that’s okay.
“Give yourself credit for what you’re doing right. Build on strengths you’ve already identified. For every weakness you patch up, go out of yo
ur way to find five strengths.”
– Lara Honos-Webb, PH.D. from The Gift of Adult ADD
I’ve had to change how I thought about needing help. If you need glasses, get glasses. You can’t force your eyes to see better by trying harder. I can’t force my brain to work differently that way, either. Needing help doesn’t mean you’re broken. I wish I’d believed that before I was on LinkedIn wondering if I could keep doing the work I enjoy and am good at.
I still carry shame. It’s slowly slipping into merely embarrassment, but it’s still there. Even writing this post has made me very uncomfortable so, fittingly, I put it off until ADHD Awareness month was almost over.