Even with the best preparation, conversations don’t always go the way we plan. Tension rises. Emotions flare. Someone gets defensive — and sometimes, that someone is us. In these moments, the prep we do going into it isn’t enough. We need active tools to help us stay steady and productive during the conversation itself.
In Part 1, I shared how to prepare for tough talks—getting clear on what matters, starting with heart, and mastering your stories. So now let’s talk about how to hold your ground when dialogue gets uncomfortable.
When reading this section of the book Crucial Conversations, my key takeaways were the following five tools.
Learn to look.
The first step to managing conversations in real time is awareness. You have to notice the moment things start to “go off the rails” – which to our credit, is much easier said than done. The book calls this “learning to look.”
“Learning to look” means watching for signs that safety has been compromised. You’ll typically see one of two responses: people go silent (withdraw, avoid, shut down) or go violent (get defensive, controlling, reactive). These are signals, not failures. When you notice them, that’s your cue to pause and refocus. Ask yourself: “Is this still a safe conversation?” If not, don’t keep pushing forward. Instead, in that moment, shift your goal to rebuilding safety (which takes us to the next tool: “Make it Safe”).
Make it safe.
In the name of healthy dialogue: If the conversation doesn’t feel safe, nothing productive is going to happen. And if that’s the case, the real question at hand is, how do we restore that safety?
Start by asking these two questions:
– Do they believe I care about their interests?
– Do they believe I respect them?
If either of those answers is no, it’s time to step out of the content and reinforce the foundation of healthy dialogue: mutual purpose and mutual respect. Maybe that means a sincere apology if you crossed a line. Or maybe it means using one of the several tools this book offers. One helpful option is Contrasting, where you clarify what you don’t mean before sharing what you do mean.
Here’s an example:
“I don’t want you to think I’m questioning your work ethic. I truly value how much effort you put in. What I do want to talk about is how we can better communicate about changes in priorities.”
And before you shut down this tool, reflect on how this is different than sugarcoating your message. It’s not a classic compliment sandwich or an avoidant attempt at softening the blow. It’s about clarifying it – about removing unnecessary misunderstandings so your real point can land.
State your path.
Let’s say we’ve gotten through a likely block and the conversation feels safe again. Now that that’s (re)established, you can share your perspective. But how you do that matters. The goal is to be honest and direct without becoming forceful or dismissive. Easier said than done, right? That’s where STATE comes in—since we all know the balance is tricky, here is a structure for speaking up effectively:
- Share your facts – Start with what you observed, not your conclusions
- Tell your story – Explain how you’re interpreting the facts
- Ask for others’ paths – Invite them to share their view
- Talk tentatively – Avoid sounding like your opinion is the only truth
- Encourage testing – Make it safe for people to disagree or push back
Again, these general statements may make sense, but how do we actually achieve each piece of the structure? Great question! If you’re struggling and looking for detailed examples or tangible executions of how to, for example, “Avoid sounding like your opinion is the only truth” then I think you should pick up this book for yourself. And better yet, what we’d really all benefit from is practice! Flex these muscles, test your theories, and discover how each tool fits in your hand and works in your relationships. The main takeaway from keeping the STATE approach in mind is to help your perspective become a dialogue, not a monologue.
Explore others’ paths.
Sometimes the real roadblock isn’t our ability to speak up—it’s our ability to listen when things get tense. When someone clams up or gets reactive, it’s easy to shut down or push harder. But what helps most to preserve the safe environment in these moments is curiosity.
Instead of reacting to their reaction, try asking yourself:
– “What might they be seeing that I’m not?”
– “What story are they telling themselves?”
Once those questions have helped you recenter or slow down and empathize deeper. Then open the door for them to share. Not as a trap, but with genuine curiosity and an open mind, ask:
– “Can you walk me through what you were thinking?”
– “What led you to feel that way?”
– “What would you like to see going forward?”
Understanding how they got to their position can defuse tension and help you find common ground for the context of the conversation.
Retake your pen.
With the past tips in mind, one of the more powerful ideas in this part of the book is the reminder that we are always the author of our own behavior. We can choose to use these tools or not. When a conversation gets difficult, it’s tempting to mirror the other person’s energy. But “retaking your pen” means choosing your response intentionally. You hold the pen to your own story, your own behavior.
The act of retaking your pen is having the mindfulness to do gut checks. As often as needed in the conversation, take mental time to ask yourself:
– “What am I doing right now?”
-“What do I want to be doing?”
-“What outcome do I really want—for me, for them, for us?”
Just because someone else is reactive doesn’t mean you have to be. Retaking your pen is the act of grounding yourself and re-centering on your intention. And it goes a long way in maintaining the quality of the dialogue.
Stay Ready: Dialogue isn’t always easy.
Tough conversations don’t always go smoothly. But they don’t have to spiral, either. If we stay mindful and intentional, notice signs of danger, and take steps to make things safe again, we can stay in meaningful dialogue—even when emotions are running high.
- So next time you feel the pressure rising mid-conversation, remember:
- Learn to look for signs of silence or violence
- Stop and rebuild safety if needed
- State your view with care
- Stay curious about theirs
- And if you get shaken up, retake your pen
The goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to keep the conversation real and respectful. And with these tools, that gets a whole lot easier.