Tough conversations are unavoidable. Whether at work or home, how you prepare for these conversations can make or break the outcome. I recently finished a very helpful interpersonal communication book and thought it’d be nice to share the concise findings of my experience through a series of blog posts. Today, I’ll share how to prep for such high-stakes yet common moments using practical tools from the Crucial Conversations book. Before you open your mouth, prepare. Let’s jump in.
Choose Your Topic
If it’s a conversation you know is coming, preparation is key. There are three telltale signs I learned to look for to tell if (or more realistically, when) you’re stuck in the wrong type of conversation:
- Emotions escalate.
- You walk away skeptical, not satisfied.
- It’s “deja vu” dialogue
To avoid these common scenarios, we must clarify a few critical things before starting a conversation. Start by identifying your topic. Ask yourself…
Is this about:
- Content – a specific incident
- Pattern – recurring behavior
- Relationship concern – an issue with trust or respect
- Or is it about the Process – the bigger picture of how these conversations often go
Once you’ve identified the type of issue, narrow down the topic by asking yourself: “What do I really want?”. We want to filter and simplify as best we can. Summarize the issue in a single sentence to keep yourself anchored if things go sideways.
Now with preparation, remember, conversations can evolve—that’s normal. If new topics arise, bookmark them. In this context, a bookmark is a tool that helps us recognize important topics while letting the dialogue switch when appropriate. If someone wants to recognize a tangential issue, try: “What you shared feels important, so let’s be sure to address this later.” and stay on the topic at hand. Or if the brought-up topic should be addressed before moving forward, be sure to recognize that the dialogue is switching and bookmark the original point so it’s not overlooked and can be discussed later. Being prepared doesn’t mean being rigid; it means staying focused while staying flexible.
But even if we do our best to prepare for dialogue, what can we do to achieve good dialogue?
Start with Heart
Your mindset matters more than any script. A quote I found while reading that sums up this whole point is: “The first step to dialogue is to get your heart right.” After all, we can only truly and fully control ourselves, not others. When starting with heart, remember: “Work on me first, us second.” So, before conversing, ask yourself:
- “What do I want for me?”
- “What do I want for them?”
- “What do I want for this relationship?”
These questions shift your focus from what may be immediate frustrations to the longer-term goals. Centering your heart (and re-centering throughout the conversation as needed) helps us avoid slipping into extremes. “Crucial Conversations” identifies two main styles we fall into when losing focus of the true goal.
- Silence – shutting down, retreating, avoiding
- Violence – attacking, reactive, defensiveness
If you notice yourself veering off track into either of these paths, pause. Recenter by asking: “What am I acting like I want right now?” and “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”
One of my favorite terminologies “Crucial Conversations” added to my vocabulary is The Fool’s Choice. Starting with heart doesn’t mean bowing down or avoiding all hard conversations because you don’t want conflict. That often makes the issue worse and harder to address over time. So, don’t fall for The Fool’s Choice, where it feels like you must pick between two bad options (ie. staying silent or damaging the relationship by speaking up). Instead, mentally clarify what you don’t want, pair it with what you do want, and find healthy solutions to address both.
But even after all of this prep, how do we actually keep from going into silence or violence?
Master Your Stories
When emotions take over, it’s often because of the story you’re telling yourself. Our brains fill in gaps, but those assumptions will often derail us. To stay grounded, retrace your path. Try asking yourself:
- “Hmm, we’re moving away from dialogue… What am I actually doing right now?”
- “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”
- “What story am I telling myself that is creating these emotions?”
And remember, we are trying to master our story. So, after you’ve tapped into these emotions and current mindset, take it a step further and challenge it by following these three steps:
- Separate facts from story. Abandon your absolute certainty and ask yourself: “What evidence do I have to support this story?”
- Watch for common, clever stories. Does your narrative fit any of the following?
- Victim – tell ourselves we are not contributing to the problem (“It’s not my fault”)
- Villain – overemphasize others’ poor qualities or assumed incompetence (“It’s all their fault”, often name calling is involved)
- Helpless – convince ourselves there are no healthy options for taking action to change our situation (“There’s nothing else I can do”)
- Tell the rest of the story, ask:
- “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”
- “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?”
And when in doubt, remember to start with heart. As often as needed, recenter on your goals. Ask, “What do I really want?” and, “What should I do to move toward that?”
Prepping for Crucial Conversations
Prepping for tough conversations isn’t about memorizing the perfect script. It’s about focusing on the real issue, staying aligned with your goals, and managing your emotions. Uusing these tools, you’ll walk into any conversation mentally prepared to begin a healthy dialogue and hopefully hold it throughout the conversation. Stay tuned for the next blog post, where we’ll tackle what tools and practices help us stay effective in the heat of the moment.